My Christmas wreath is for the bird

As I went home the other night, I stuck my key in the lock and something moved in my Christmas wreath. A small bird had apparently decided my fake wreath looked like a good home, until some non-flying creature came along and opened the door.

The first time it happened, I was merely surprised. It happened again last night, and I won't go into details about how much it startled me. The evidence of how much the bird was started, however, remains on my door.

I should really wash that off.

But while we're on the subject, I have a word of warning for the health-conscious among you: don't buy sugar-free peppermint, thinking you can have all you want, since it's sugar-free.

Large amounts of sucralose (Splenda) apparently have a side effect. Without going into details, I'll just say that I fully expected the Coast Guard to show up asking who was setting off the foghorn. I was setting records for decibel level and hang time.

You should also know that many sugar free cough drops contain Sorbitol, which can also cause the storm within.